A SATIRE ....if only it is true.
13:13hrs 13 May 2013. API Breaking News:
Najis & Roastpork fled Malaysia after his illegitimate Govt fell unexpectedly following the biggest massive rallies throughout the country to protest the stolen GE13. Malaysians of all shapes, sizes, races, ranks and creek all joined in one gigantic step to boot out the illegitimate BN govt after the Chicken-$hit PM Najis set loose his black ops Mat Rempis gangsters to incite racial riots as his father did in 1969. Like Father like Son as they say.
Unpopular even with his own Dumno party, Najis intentionally delayed the GE13 till 5 May 2013. Why 5 May 2013?
Najis first became MB of Pahang on 4 May 1982. According to his powerful black magic wife, Najis would be successful in pulling off the greatest electoral fraud in history.
Pulling off the election fraud is one thing, but covering up a public fraud is another thing altogether. Not with the nation wide groundswell against the criminally corrupt PM tainted with the Altantuya Murder – Scorpene Submarine scandal.
Rosmah dabbles in witchcraft’https://www.freemalaysiatoday.com/category/nation/2013/02/15/rosmah-dabbles-in-witchcraft/PETALING JAYA: Bizzare black magic rituals and an insatiable appetite for wealth. These were some of the revelations of Deepak Jaiskishan about Rosmah Mansor, a woman he claims has no conscience. According to her one-time confidant, the prime minister’s wife has allegedly cast spells on numerous people, including her husband, former premier Abdullah Ahmad Badawi and the latter’s son-in-law Khairy Jamaluddin.
Deepak claimed that Rosmah would go to the extreme in order to achieve her ambition, which is to be richer than the Sultan of Brunei. “She indulges in bizzare witchcraft rituals that no religion in the world will accept,” he told FMT in an exclusive interview here.
When Abdullah delayed naming Najib Tun Razak as his successor, Deepak claimed that Rosmah turned to the black arts for help.“Abdullah and his family went through a tough time, no thanks to Rosmah’s witchcraft. Almost the entire Cabinet is under her spell,” he alleged.
However, Deepak said that Rosmah, whom he termed as the country’s “prime minister”, could not put a spell on former premier Dr Mahathir Mohamad because the latter has his own protection.
“She tried something but it didn’t work. Maybe he is protected in some ways.
“You see, it’s not like you can simply put a spell on someone. It only works if the person is weak in some ways. For example, it works if the person is not spiritual,” he added.
Deepak said that Rosmah employed the services of shamans from Kelantan, Terengganu and even India.
What if there are massive protests by the people when they realise the election had been stolen so blatantly before their eyes? Tak masalah (no problem). Just threaten them with a remake of the 1969 May 13 Racial Riots & Massacre. But 2013 is a world of difference from 1969. Back then there was no Internet, no worldwide blogging, no Altantuya Murder- Scorpene Submarine scandal. You can run but you can't hide.
Roastpork miscalculated. 13May13 was not a bloody massacre of the rakyat but a MAYDAY call for Najis and his evil wife. The heroic army came to the rescue of the people who were fired upon by the Najis black corps (Mat Rempis) and the corrupt police force. In the ensuing battle, the cowardly police force turned tail and fled. It was all over, as fast as it began.
As Najis, the disgraced and deposed PM of Malaysia sat on the back seat of the Nuri helicopter flying him to a secret rendezvous, to flee out of Malaysia and escape justice, he ponders on that fateful day that started it all. He silently cursed SubMarTakBersih, the naval officer who first proposed the submarine deal to him. SubMarTakBersih (which stands for Submarine Tak Bersih) was a hydrographic naval captain with the Royal Malaysian Navy.
He clearly remembered that bastard being introduced by his friend and advisor, Razak Bogus in his office shortly after the then PM Mahathir, had announced the capital controls on 1 Sept 1998.
Shit..... If Mahathir had not imposed capital controls I would not be in such desperate need for money. Why do some PMs have all the luck and money spinning projects? Oh God, ….why me with this stupid Yellow TakBersih Submarine Project (project code name)?
….SubMarTakBersih....Yellow TakBersih submarine …..Altantuya …..ZZZZ.....RAZAK....zzzzz.....scorpene …..zzzz rings through the loud heli vibration as he dozed off to sleep and his nightmare of how it all started.....
(16 Sept 1998 at Najis' s Department of Defence Ministry office)
Najis: Zak, how are we going to get off this shit? Mati-lah ku. Berjuta-juta ringgit stuck in offshore account dan lagi kena bayar balik Yen loan with rising interest rate. You and your great idea. Borrow lah Yen loan at low interest rate. Move ringgit to Singapore at 20% interest rate. Huh sekarang! Ni Mamak punya PM declared all offshore ringgit illegal. Mana bolih! Sangkut-lah aku.
Razak: Don't worry I have got a friend with a brilliant idea.
Najis: What! Again. No, I am not going to listen to you anymore. How are we going to make any more money? That cunning fox Daim & MamaTail already sapu all engineering projects, the North-South highway and my bridge project to Singapore. The Nuri helis keep on crashing. The Russians refused to sell us any more Sukhoi planes after Rose diverted their payments to pay for her expensive carpet furnishing in all of her newly purchased apartments in New York, London, Paris and Rome. You know lah that J-low fellow kept showing her all the expensive apartments. I really hate that Deepak Indian guy. Always showing Rose his Khasmir carpets. Zak, we need a really really big project to stop this expensive drain. Talk about brain drain.....my brain is all drained out by this Ro$mah drain$ and her diamond this and diamond that …..please Zak think of somethin'.
Razak: Tomorrow I bring a friend, ...err... we call him SubMarTakBersih, an ex-navy guy. You talked to him....he's got a good idea.
Najis: Okay lah. Tomorrow ….... (phone hung up).
1000hrs 17 Sept 1998 (at Najis's office).
PA: Sir, Razak Bogus and his friend , SubMarTakBersih to see you. Shall I let them in?
Najis: Yes. …..... Razak, what is this all about?
Razak: I will let SubMarTakBersih do the explaining.
SMTB: Thank you Datuk for seeing me. After retiring from the Navy, I set up this company, FU Malaysia Sdn Bhd. We need a little help from Datuk to penetrate the local market and hopefully get Petronas contract. Although we are 100% Bumiputra, we still lost out.
Najis: Petronas is outside my control. Everyone knows it is Mahathir's personal piggy bank. Sorry I cannot help you out. By the way, what kind of name is that?
SMTB: Ah, Datuk. I am not asking for Petronas Contract now. Only in 2005 when you are the PM. … you see.....
Najis: ...ha...brilliant fella.... how did you know? ….what information do you have?
SMTB: ...yes as I was saying, our company was bought over by a company in Europe . We shorten the name to FU Malaysia because that is in essence what we do.....anyway in the navy and oil industry we know everything. We need to … to survive lah. Let's just say there are talks and buzzes in the industry. Y'know politic in Malaysia is funded by Petronas and Petronas is controlled by us ….to find oil or not. We can easily find them or “miss” them just to scare the hell out of the country's administration. Fuck with us and we downgrade the oil reserves , lower profit... want to make rakyat happy & feel good, we strike oil.… we can whisper things … to the management … you know things to direct their attention to.... well you get the idea?
Najis: This is interesting! Zak, why did you not tell me before? No wonder MamaTir ...er ..sorry I mean ….PM Mahathir is so powerful. Wait till Rose gets to hear this.
Razak: Sir Datuk, I also just came across SubMarTakBersih in my research on Advance Strategic Spear Head Offense Leading to Extermination or ASSHOLE for short.
Najis: Okay, okay but 2005 is too far. …. besides I need to get some dough ….er.... I mean ...solution before 2002. Zak, told me you had some really fresh ideas.
SMTB: Yes Datuk.... this economic crash and Capital controls ...have caused havoc to us,... err ...oil business as well. Oil prices are at all time low. At 11.91 USD per barrel (inflation adjusted 16.44 USD), it is even lower than 1996 at 20.46 USD. We thought after rising to 20 USD, it would have gone up but instead it dips....celeka punya ...oh-uh ...sorry Datuk....did not mean to be rude..but this financial disaster is killing us all. Less than 20 USD, mampus lah all of us.
Najis: So how can you help me ...err ….no I mean my Ministry, ..err....Defence Ministry....err...the country I mean.
SMTB: When oil prices are low, we look for other business that is boomin'. I have contacts with Thales and DCN of France in the defense industry. We can make money ...err....sorry I mean ...make good military sense to purchase some submarines from France. My friends in Taiwan, Indonesia and Pakistan navies are making good money ...err sorry, I am a bit nervous in front of you Datuk, ...commission I mean.
Najis: No need to be … we are all Comrades in SIN....ah apa itu....Comrades in Arms, sorry. You are after all under my Ministry. ….but why submarines. I am told our territorial waters are too shallow for the submarines to be of any use. It would be difficult to get past my military advisers and Chief of Staff....apa nama dia ….ah never mind. ..go on.
SMTB: That is what everybody thinks. Under the new international Maritime laws, our territorial waters are to be extended 200 km offshore. Everyone is getting excited about this.
SMTB: So before everyone gets the idea, we hit it first.
Najis: Hit what?
SMTB: Our territorial waters will be much deeper – down to 2000m around the Spratly Islands and off the Sunda shelf. We can the justify purchasing the submarines to protect our territorial waters and sovereignty.
Najis: Brilliant, Why didn't I think of that?
SMTB: And because no one in the Audit Dept has bought a submarine before, we can inflate the prices for our ….err...commission.
Najis: But...but won't the public know...y'know ….check the prices and the Internet thing …?
SMTB: My contacts in Taiwan and Pakistan tell me they are also cutting the same deal. If anyone asks in Parliament, just say Military Secrets ….Sophisticated Technology … advanced instruments ...blah ...blah
Najis: Now I get it....value added costs ….err I mean equipment, fire power, services, overseas training, new naval facilities, new apartments ….err...sorry I mean new housing for personnel on overseas training....WOW this is brilliant, really brilliant. It is like printing money …..err....printing new SOP, new uniforms, new regiment ..I like it.
Razak: Sir, Datuk....I think we need to omit all those hidden costs....otherwise the proposal will be too expensive and gets shot down in Parliament. We can slowly ease it in. Masuk Lubang dulu. Once we have the sub that cannot dive, Parliament will have to approve the funds. Best of all, the kick-backs ….er...commission will be paid in the new currency, Euros.
Najis: What do you mean ...cannot dive? Aren't submarines suppose to dive?
Razak: Sir, Datuk....the submarine cannot dive because we take out all the necessary expensive instruments and equipment out of the subs after commission and sell them to South American countries; just like the F-11 fighter jet engines.
Najis: Zak, are you out of your mind? I will be torn to pieces in Parliament.
Razak: Not when you are PM. By selling the expensive instruments and equipment, we can net another 50% of the submarine costs. Just say subs develop technical faults, Parliament will have to approve more funds … say for customisation for tropical waters and local conditions, then when the additional dummy equipment arrive.. only in paper form, the submarines will mysteriously crashed into the deep water. We can then claim insurance and have state funeral for those who died. Evidence under the sea, too deep to investigate. No one will know. You the PM will set up Royal commission but the findings will be the same – accidental disaster. You will be the best PM yet.
Najis: Better than MamakTir?
Razak: You bet.
Najis: So, is this same idea as the Port Klang Free Trade zone project and the Crooked Bridge then?
Razak: Yes, basically the same principle. The Crooked Bridge will be proposed, designed and ready to build ….but tak jadi.
Najis: What do you mean tak jadi? With MamakTir pushing it, surely it will be built.
Razak: It is more profitable to pretend to build and then cancels it but compensate the contractor. It is the new Virtual Projects scheme – adapted from the Virtual 3D computer games. It went very well in the Bakun Dam project. How do you think Taib can own so many expensive building in US, Canada and UK. No one goes to Bakun to check on the construction. We print images out for publication and the people believe them.
Najis: Fantastic. Making money out of thin air. Is the submarine power cable going to be the same?
Razak: Yes after all the hoo-ha, it will be aborted but the contractor will get paid. We can even inflate the price by 200% and no one will know even if we award the contract for the power cable.
Najis: Yeah but surely the people will know if the electricity is transmitted?
Razak: The plan is to keep building more power plants in Semanjung and keep awarding IPP's. With over capacity who will know. Same like PKFTZ, you inflate and build in the swamp, who will check. If some nosy Parker poke their noses in to spoil our schemes, we will just bury them alive in the mud and C4 their remains. Your Yellow TakBersih Submarine Project will be even safer. No one will dive 2000m deep to check the bogus ...err ...sorry Yellow TakBersih submarines.
Najis: This really excellent. How time flies when we are brainstorming?....speaking of that I better be going.....have to pick Rose up from the beauty centre... sorry for rushing, SubMarTakBersih. Have to go. Zak will get down to details with you. Bye.